Letting off some steam

I fully expect that no one I know reads these, so I'm just gonna vent here. Since it's been years since I've kept any sort of diary I have nowhere else to write. I simply feel fucked, and while not exactly depressed, I do currently feel pretty shit. I think a part of me actually hopes someone will read this, yet another part of me doesn't, since these are pretty much my innermost thoughts and I'm being as honest as I can.

I do know my own faults quite well, and to summarise it, I can list it as two main faults: I'm lazy and fearful. I'm both too lazy and too fearful to try anything in life. I'm too lazy to do anything productive, and too fearful of actually trying something and failing. So it's an endless cycle of being too scared to stop being lazy and too lazy to attempt things I'm scared of. Ffs I'm about to turn 21 this year and I still feel like a 5 year old lost in the mall. I'm too lazy to actually try at uni. I'm too scared to make new friends. Im too lazy to work and earn some money while I study. I'm too scared to talk to my current friends cause I'm afraid that they've already stopped thinking of me as a friend.

The one thing that I do think I do well at is in my relationship with my boyfriend, but to be honest being a good gf takes a lot out of me. It changes everything I do, including how I make friends and how I keep friends. I'm very loyal, and I'm paranoid of even being slightly too friendly with any guys other than my bf, but I can't seem to open up to girls. So I end up stuck with shallow friendships with these 'new friends'. I have trouble with old friends too (who I really want to keep). For a shit analogy: You know in the game Pokemon, and how you start with a starter pokemon? Well pretend that my BF is the starter pokemon and that my friends are the other pokemon. I feel like I should have the starter pokemon in my party almost all the time, and maintain it's level to be a bit higer than the other pokemon, but by the time I train the starter pokemon to the level I want, I don't have much time or energy to spend maintaining the others. This is how I feel in my current situation.

Of course once I actually realised how out of touch I am, I DO try to reconnect with my friends. But at times when I put in more effort, I'm often left feeling like more of an outsider than when I started. Such as when I go on msn, they are either offline or go to bed before I get a chance to catch up with them properly. Or when I txt in hopes of starting a conversation it ends before I can get anywhere. There's really so much I want to ask them, but I don't want to seem nosey or intrusive. Not to mention that I am an outsider to them in quite a few ways: They basically all study a similar field at uni, at the same campus and I'm the only one who has a bf/gf. Which, to me, actually feels WORSE than being the only single person in a group of friends (I've been there before as well).

As for the other side of my life - uni - I'm doing pretty shit as well. Last semester I actually failed 4/4 papers, how you ask? Due to a combination of laziness and being afraid. I'd picked 2 papers that I simply couldn't grasp, they were a stupid choice, and it was even more stupid that I had not swapped them for other papers when I could. I could pretty much tell from the beginning that I'd fail them, and knowing this really freaked the hell out of me. And since I was feeling so anxious and horrible, I actually lost interest in the 2 papers I coould probably have been good at so I fucked those up too. Now this year I don't qualify for student allowance, I'm at the same position that I was in at the start of last year but with $5000 less money and since I'm changing my minor I'd have another extra year to do before I can finish. So it's taking me 5 years to finish a 3 year degree.

Logically you'd think that someone who has such a huge fear of failiure would naturally work HARDER to avoid it, but I think what I'm really afraid of is actually working hard THEN failing. It also doesn't help that I'm an optimist at heart, which means a part of me still thinks everything will work out or someone else will come along and fix all my problems even if I fail. I know this is stupid, since the problem is ME. How can someone else fix ME?! Not to metion the multitude of smaller problems I have, such as my habit of sleeping extremely late, not getting enough excercise and feeling cold all the time (possibly due to being skinny and unfit). Also, due to my inexperience at the time, I had actually made some very bad moves with my uni degree, the papers I chose are all over the place and contribute little to my major or minor, which means i'm in a bit of a mess now.

On a slightly brighter note, I hope writing all this down will actually help me fix myself and I have made some small atempts at fixing some of my problems. I've been a bit more proactive in sorting out my studies and I'm now more careful in planning my degree. I can't say it's really helping though, since I obviously wasn't proactive enough... The courses I NEED to do to complete my major are now full, if I cannot get in these courses, I'd have nothing to do next semester, and it'd add another full year to my degree. I've already tried contacting people here and there to fix this, and every reply was telling me to ask somewhere else. When I finally got to the end of the chain, they just told me to enrol as normal, which was what I was attempting to do IN THE FIRST PLACE. So I try what they said (again), and suprise suprise, it DOESN"T WORK. So I sent a second email, and it's been over a week with no reply. If now for this sort of shit I'd actually like uni.

Sorry I was really hoping to end this on a brighter note, but I really can't, so I'm just going to stop here and go get some sleep. Goodnight.